Brain Vomit

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Sat, 23 Mar 2013 17:12:57 +0000

The social anxiety is beginning to get to me. Belgians are horrible at staring and they make you feel so small and insecure. It’s getting ridiculous now even though i’m on my way to helping myself. My mum is literally the worst person to help me but there’s not much i can do now.

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greekg0ds: by a.k.a.manma

Fri, 22 Mar 2013 16:59:57 +0000

greekg0ds:

by a.k.a.manma

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Fri, 22 Mar 2013 16:58:46 +0000

I feel like absolute shit and all I can do is feel it. I have absolutely horrible self-esteem and right now I’m at rock-bottom. I have no faith in myself. I feel like everybody around me is judging me. I hate my body so fucking much and there’s nothing I can do to hide it. I’m so confused and my mum just makes me feel like shit by telling me she thinks I look stupid in skinnys after I’ve been wearing them for 4 years. I have to go out to dinner with my family tonight but I already feel fat because I’ve eaten a lot today, I ate a lot yesterday and I ate a lot the day before that. I feel like I’d be betraying myself if I ate more today.

I’m not comfortable wearing any of my clothes, and the ones that I feel half-decent in are dirty and I won’t get them back for a few days. My hair is so fucking short and I hate it. The worst part is knowing that it’s my fault I look the way I do. I can’t talk to anyone about it because I feel embarrassed and ashamed that I don’t like my body and I want to change it. I’m surrounded by skinny people at school and the few larger people just make me hate myself even more because I feel like I’m turning into them and I feel horrible. There’s no one I can talk to so I’m stuck crying on my own with no clue what to do. My parents will only be sympathetic because I’m crying and then they’ll tell me I’m being silly and it’s my fault.

I know I always tell other people that I don’t care about my weight and that’s true; I care about my size so much it fucking hurts. I can’t be happy if I don’t think I look good. So much of my self-esteem relies on my appearance and I can only lie to myself for so long.